Archive for July 2011
recently-single hen
after having badged yourself to either, “in a relationship,” “it’s complicated” or “married” status on your favorite social networking site for sometime, you now find yourself single.
so you just got dumped, or maybe you found breeding with the same rooster over and over again, well, repetitive, boring and unsatisfying; leading to an awesome night of pure decadence and no longer identifying yourself as monogamous once the feathers settled—oops. but the more likely scenario though is that, you finally gave up on justifying your mounting partner’s small shoe size and got rid of that loser, parasite-of-a-rooster. but whatever the case, you’re single. now what? change your status to single, leave it blank or keep it the same? or de-feather yourself out of a broken heart, native american-style? nah. no need for the dramatic just yet, but to help ease the transition, here’s my short every-hen-should-know list.
1. find “me” again (yep. now is the time to focus on yourself and be selfish as hell. no partner needed. dust off that old toy, and toy away.)
2. surround yourself with friends who are successful and independent (say goodbye to the lazy and mooch. they need not apply. fowl-friends should lift you up, not bring you down. )
3. slutty should be your new black (that’s right. every hen needs to go through a slutty-phase at least a couple of times. if you like who’s knocking, let them in. have fun, but always be safe.)
4. stay single for a good while (the biggest mistake hens make is getting back into a relationship too quickly, having only to repeat the cycle over and over again. strengthen the self first.)
5. be a social hen (get out there and meet new roosters and hens. networking is a great way to put more feathers in your cap. and of course, to lose a few as well, but this is good too.)
6. travel (seeing new things and places only opens you up to new ideas. just think, as an added bonus, if all goes well, say, with andrés, the spaniard, your hen legs will also be open to such ideas.)
7. and finally, find a hobby ( see “all hens need a hobby.”)
sure codependency is a bitch to break, and the coop might seem like a very lonely place at first, but life goes on, and soon enough, you’ll find the single life rewarding and liberating. always ask for more of yourself than less. doing so will allow you to not settle for a partially filled bag of seed; only settle for the full bag, and nothing less—and that mother-plucker better have your name on it.
HW
HenQs
what are HenQs? HenQs is short for “hen questions.” if you’re a hen and have a question for me, send it my way.
submit your question HERE.
HW
all hens need a hobby
if you’re a hen who is always asking yourself why you can’t find a rooster to stick around to find crickets for you, listen up.
it’s not because you’re slutty, do things other hens won’t, have daddy issues (my faaaaavorite), or busy knitting sweaters for underprivileged chicks. on the contrary, the reason is, because there is a good chance, you don’t have a hobby. that’s right, it’s that simple. a hen without a hobby is like a puppy dog, always following you around and begging for attention. for a rooster, this is the worst type of hen. there is no bigger turn-off than having a hen bored out-of-her-mind, constantly worrying about where her feather friend is at, blowing-up his cellphone or sitting on the couch whining about work and all its drama. if this is you, STOP now. ask yourself what motivates you, and this in turn, may help you find your passion.
now in your pursuit of this feather-passion discovery, any hobby is good, whether it’s knitting, stamp collecting, cooking, painting, reading, volunteering or scrapbooking —wait, i take scrapbooking back. that just screams VIRGIN, and that’s the second worst type of hen. seriously, nowadays, no one wants to mount a virgin. that is just asking for trouble. that’s like putting your clothes in the dryer without one of them static cling sheets. the result, clingy as shit. no self-respecting rooster will put up with that, unless his willing to marry her on the spot.
anyway, simple i say. find yourself a hobby and make yourself available in moderation. let the chase come to you, not the other way around. passion creates instances of happiness, self-awareness and validity. embrace it and continue to share it with others. if you’re a hen who confuses passion with putting a live rabbit in a pot of boiling water to prove you’re dedicated to a cause, there is no hope for you. you’re just plain fucking crazy.
HW
they ask, fly away
lovely hens, so let’s say you meet a little rooster, he’s cool, you like him and possibly willing to allow him to ruffle your feathers. eventually, the topic of your sexual history, or mounting history as i like to call it, will come up. i mean, after all, doing the nasty-mount is pretty much a dirty exchange of all kinds of nastiness (hrrrrmmmm), so it’s a topic that comes with the wrangling scene. in truth, you don’t want to be passing around unwanted guests or catching a permanent case of the sea-monkeys. as i like to say, a safe wrangle is a mount without mangle.
when the topic does come up, and if you are asked how many roosters you have mounted, hens be warned, a rooster should never ask a hen that question. it’s cool and responsible to make sure the undercarriage checks-out and screams healthy, but beyond that, it usually means trouble. a good rooster takes you as is, and not as then. so as soon as they ask, my advice is to fly away quickly.
here’s why. typically, these roosters tend to be controlling, extremely jealous and lack a bundle of feathers with self-esteem. these are the same guys who will shower you with flowers, always call you “beautiful,” and more than likely buy you a teddy bear sporting a gold necklace with a heart-shaped charm, all in a span of two weeks of meeting you. fly, i say, fly.
oh, and by the way, just in case you’re curious, if you ask me how many hens i’ve mounted, i’m always going to say, “five.” i simply don’t know, or care to know, what comes after five.
HW
why hens should always ask, mac or PC?
hens, the first thing you should always ask a guy you’re lusting over is, mac or pc? their answer can save you a ton a grief later. let me explain.
obviously, i’m mac all the way. i don’t even allow a PC in my house. there are exception though. if you’re a hen and i want to ruffle your feathers, i’ll allow it. otherwise, keep your crappy computers at home.
i just don’t understand why folks put up with PCs. it just boggles my mind. certainly, we can go on and on about which is better, and why, but that doesn’t help anyone. putting that aside, here are some facts about mac users and owners, i believe will help you from wasting your time on capons.
mac users:
1. usually college graduates (yes, smarter)
2. have disposable income (he won’t be asking you for a $3 loan to pay for the dinner you just had with him)
3. more accurate and more productive (meaning, he’ll know where to find your g-spot and do you more often)
4. creative and open-minded (will paint you pretty and not tell you god talks to us directly)
5. can appreciate beauty and design (“he don’t do ugly or cheap” )
6. don’t play online games (enough said)
7. are web savvy (will build a website dedicated to you overnight)
8. tend to be super hip (will tell you to leave your penny loafers at home)
9. are happier (won’t be downing the whole bottle of meds in one gulp, or turn out to be a serial killer)
10. well informed (knows to use other positions other than missionary)
there you go. now, if that list doesn’t say “perfect guy,” i don’t know what does. of course, like most things, there are exceptions. i do have some PC-user friends, but most of them are engineers (socially awkward but loaded). so unless the PC-user is an engineer, a real one, not one of them fools with an ITT degree, or two year degree bullshit, don’t waste your time. your best bet is to find yourself a mac guy.
HW
vagisil wipes
i get it, the vag is a delicate piece of folds and warmth, but do i need to be reminded constantly, that at times, it has the potential of baking a yeasty bread if the conditions are just right? i think not. i’m sure hens don’t appreciate that either. sure, it’s natural, and happens more often than not simply because the humidity down there might sustain a rainforest, she skipped a bath or two, got a dirty-fiddle, or whatever, but running commercial after commercial over and over again, just seems a bit much.
vagisil proclaims, “be the woman you want to be 100% of the time.” so if the cooch ain’t flowering properly, you’re less of a hen? really? WTF? seriously, imagine seeing a commercial continuously for skid-marks. skid-erase, “be the asshole you want to be 100% of the time.” it’s just too much.
perhaps, i shouldn’t be watching oprah while on vacation.
HW
HenWrangler 