Posts Tagged ‘advice’
HenQs: is it okay for a skank-hen to try to steal my boyfriend?
dear hen baby buhtins,
thanks for your submission. first off, using the word skank-hen is a bit, well, unnecessary. just because this hen likes to throw her wooly-hen parts around doesn’t make her a skank—wait, using the word wooly nowadays, isn’t quite correct. i tend to forget this is not the 80s anymore. in today’s hen market, it’s more like powder-hen parts, smooth as ski slopes—she just likes to express herself more than most hens. there is nothing wrong with that.
now to answer your question. of course it’s okay for her to try to steal your boyfriend. simply put, it’s the best litmus test there is when it comes to a relationship. you’ll find out quickly whether your beloved rooster-boyfriend can holdup to his end of the bargain. you know, be loyal and walk the talk that allowed him an all-access pass to your hentastic parts.
if you have a good rooster, this situation will be nonissue. on the other hand, if you’re dealing with an insecure and unsure capon, and acts upon the proposition, your relationship will become that much clearer; and that’s a good thing. sure, the fact that your best friend or stripper neighbor, or whomever the case may be, committed a robbery, it sucks. no one likes rejection at that level, but such is coop life. ultimately, they are doing you a huge favor. you can’t hate on a single-hen for being a single-hen. you should thank them.
you see, your relationship isn’t with the single-hen, it’s with your rooster. the hen owes you nothing. it’s the rooster who should be blamed and shunned. after all, he was the one who promised you the world, pledged his monogamy and the happily-ever-after song and dance. right?
as with any hen with commonsense, you know the intent of any rooster is to have a go at them hentastic parts. that’s the nature of things. the problem is, once you hens allow a rooster full access, many of you consider him property. that’s always a mistake. so naturally, our reaction to someone who takes something we think belongs to us is often not a nice one. it usually conjures up violent thoughts of de-feathering and dismemberment towards that person. and some of you, actually act on it and go hen-crazy. no one likes a hen-crazy hen. besides, all that violence and hate doesn’t change the fact your rooster was out there using someone else’s sharpener to sharpen his rooster-pencil.
the thing is, your boyfriend is not your property. if you accept that as such, you’ll be less disappointed or hurt. they have choices just like you do. only you belong to you, and actions are absolutes that hold truths.
HW
2012: the year of the hen
HAPPY NEW YEAR, MY DEAREST HENS!
i know it’s been awhile, but such is the way the feathers float. with the many false cockternity accusations, hen-stalking and restraining orders, it’s been a busy last few months for me. some of you hens are beyond repair, and should really just stay in the coop and brood. there is no need to spread the crazy. don’t get me wrong, crazy is good. just keep it at a level that doesn’t require a straight jacket, hen-baby drama or involve knives. now, for the hens who are more open to suggestions, and whose down is as soft as their hearts, my words are for you.
as we start the new year, the hen-trend is to over indulge in resolutions. right? and it usually goes something like this, “i’m going to lose weight—i’m not going be so slutty this year—i’m eating healthier–i’m not dating losers anymore.” blah, blah, blah… well, in the spirit of resolutions, i’ll share my top five with you.
HENWRANGLER’S NEW YEAR RESOLUTIONS
- eat more chicken pie (i hear it’s healthier and good for sinus congestion)
- stuff and mount more hens (break last year’s taxidermy record)
- peck more, bite less (i’m a passionate rooster, and sometimes, i leave marks)
- more chicken fingers (yeah, not the food)
- kick them out at 9 a.m. instead of 10 a.m. (a lapsed on my part in 2011)
so, there you go. like me, set attainable goals and things will be just fine. and remember, expectations are follies made of mind.
i’ll leave you lovely hens with those thoughts. until next time.
HW
a secret known but ignored
dearest hens, pull out a quill and pen some notes. this one is worth keeping between the feathers.
have you ever wondered what the secret is to making a rooster do the things you want, cater to your every need and treat you like a queen? the answer is quite simple, and probably something you’ve been told many times, but for some reason, have failed to accept it or apply it.
the secret that is known but ignored is a hen’s failure to stroke a rooster’s ego. and just to be perfectly clear, ego is not a euphemism for pecker. now, stroking peckers is something not to be overlooked either, but we’ll leave that one for another time. seriously though, it’s that simple, but i guess the simplest things are sometimes the most difficult to understand. yet, some hens are very good at understanding this—note that one hen who is always surrounded by roosters as if some explicit act is about to go down. the one you think is super flirty and slutty. the one you hate—yes, that one. they’ve mastered an essential part of the art of hen’n. ego-stroker hens tend to be happier and have way more fun than most other hens.
call it charm, whorish or whatever, but ego-stroking is always the way to go whenever you want your rooster to yield to your commands. it taps into one of the most basic rooster instinct, that instinct that makes him feel like the protector and king of his coop. it’s a powerful force, so take advantage of it whenever possible. this is somewhat synonymous to that nurturing instinct you hens carry. you know, the one that fools you into falling in love with that stray lazy rooster, because you feel sorry for him, want to take care of him—then validating his laziness with statements such as”he’s so talented” or “he’s a genius,” but then refuses to find a job or do something with his life. yep, you hens and your charity cases. eventually, you gonna have to wing-up and move forward.
i believe the biggest hurdle when it comes to hen’n is putting your ego aside. a hen’s ego can be very counter productive and a hindrance in matters of hen’n. no one likes a bitter or anti-rooster hen. once you get passed that, stroking a rooster’s ego will be a breeze. it’s okay to allow yourself to be a hen, and a rooster be a rooster. there is nothing wrong with that. if anything, it should be empowering and fun— without having to be submissive or losing your independence. after all, it is a hen’s world, and if you can’t stand on your own legs, you shouldn’t be out there hen’n. below are few key phrases i’ve compiled to get you started. have fun and be safe.
top five ego-stroking phrases:
1. “you’re the champ.” (use this one often.)
2. “whoa! that was amazing.” (after any mounting session, regardless of whether you mean it or not; always finish with a positive, especially after a subpar mounting session.)
3. “you’re so strong.” (do this while grabbing his bicep/arm even if the rooster is all bones.)
4. “you make me nervous.” (use your best judgement with this one.)
5. “i’ve never met anybody like you.” (in truth you haven’t met anyone like him, so it’s not really a lie.)
HW
HenQs: why doesn’t he call me?
dear hen M0R,
thanks for your submission. this is a question as common as paris hilton flashing her hoohoo, and just as open-ended. i get asked this all the time and my answer is always the same—it’s time to pick up your feathers, straighten your skirt and take your hen’gina to a road less traveled.
see, once you get to a point where you have to ask that question, it pretty much means it’s one-sided, and not in your favor. i always advocate that if it’s going to be one-sided, it should be on the side of the hen, but in this case, it seems the rooster has gotten the best of you.
my guess is that things started casual, fun and an all-access-fest to your party parts. there is nothing wrong with that. if anything, it’s very henwrangler worthy. normally, when a hen is “hen’n” in proper form (a topic i will cover at a later date), a rooster not calling back, or calling only for mounting sessions, is nonissue. i understand no one likes to be dissed, but sometimes this may trigger feelings that carry heavy loads of insecurities and inadequacies. there’s nothing detrimental in this, but it does slow the growth of becoming a valued hen. by that i mean, it stunts the progression of you moving forward and allowing yourself to be open to new hen experiences. sure it feels like you were bitten by hen fleas, which make you agitated and restless, but ultimately it’s about accepting things as they are and not looking for some ridiculous cosmic sign or relying on tea leaves to determine that he too might have mutual feelings of love.
with that, here is my short list as to why that rooster may not be calling you back:
1. simply, he is not that into you as you are into him.
HW
what are HenQs? HenQs is short for “hen questions.” if you’re a hen and have a question for me, send it my way.
submit your question HERE.
recently-single hen
after having badged yourself to either, “in a relationship,” “it’s complicated” or “married” status on your favorite social networking site for sometime, you now find yourself single.
so you just got dumped, or maybe you found breeding with the same rooster over and over again, well, repetitive, boring and unsatisfying; leading to an awesome night of pure decadence and no longer identifying yourself as monogamous once the feathers settled—oops. but the more likely scenario though is that, you finally gave up on justifying your mounting partner’s small shoe size and got rid of that loser, parasite-of-a-rooster. but whatever the case, you’re single. now what? change your status to single, leave it blank or keep it the same? or de-feather yourself out of a broken heart, native american-style? nah. no need for the dramatic just yet, but to help ease the transition, here’s my short every-hen-should-know list.
1. find “me” again (yep. now is the time to focus on yourself and be selfish as hell. no partner needed. dust off that old toy, and toy away.)
2. surround yourself with friends who are successful and independent (say goodbye to the lazy and mooch. they need not apply. fowl-friends should lift you up, not bring you down. )
3. slutty should be your new black (that’s right. every hen needs to go through a slutty-phase at least a couple of times. if you like who’s knocking, let them in. have fun, but always be safe.)
4. stay single for a good while (the biggest mistake hens make is getting back into a relationship too quickly, having only to repeat the cycle over and over again. strengthen the self first.)
5. be a social hen (get out there and meet new roosters and hens. networking is a great way to put more feathers in your cap. and of course, to lose a few as well, but this is good too.)
6. travel (seeing new things and places only opens you up to new ideas. just think, as an added bonus, if all goes well, say, with andrés, the spaniard, your hen legs will also be open to such ideas.)
7. and finally, find a hobby ( see “all hens need a hobby.”)
sure codependency is a bitch to break, and the coop might seem like a very lonely place at first, but life goes on, and soon enough, you’ll find the single life rewarding and liberating. always ask for more of yourself than less. doing so will allow you to not settle for a partially filled bag of seed; only settle for the full bag, and nothing less—and that mother-plucker better have your name on it.
HW
HenQs
what are HenQs? HenQs is short for “hen questions.” if you’re a hen and have a question for me, send it my way.
submit your question HERE.
HW
all hens need a hobby
if you’re a hen who is always asking yourself why you can’t find a rooster to stick around to find crickets for you, listen up.
it’s not because you’re slutty, do things other hens won’t, have daddy issues (my faaaaavorite), or busy knitting sweaters for underprivileged chicks. on the contrary, the reason is, because there is a good chance, you don’t have a hobby. that’s right, it’s that simple. a hen without a hobby is like a puppy dog, always following you around and begging for attention. for a rooster, this is the worst type of hen. there is no bigger turn-off than having a hen bored out-of-her-mind, constantly worrying about where her feather friend is at, blowing-up his cellphone or sitting on the couch whining about work and all its drama. if this is you, STOP now. ask yourself what motivates you, and this in turn, may help you find your passion.
now in your pursuit of this feather-passion discovery, any hobby is good, whether it’s knitting, stamp collecting, cooking, painting, reading, volunteering or scrapbooking —wait, i take scrapbooking back. that just screams VIRGIN, and that’s the second worst type of hen. seriously, nowadays, no one wants to mount a virgin. that is just asking for trouble. that’s like putting your clothes in the dryer without one of them static cling sheets. the result, clingy as shit. no self-respecting rooster will put up with that, unless his willing to marry her on the spot.
anyway, simple i say. find yourself a hobby and make yourself available in moderation. let the chase come to you, not the other way around. passion creates instances of happiness, self-awareness and validity. embrace it and continue to share it with others. if you’re a hen who confuses passion with putting a live rabbit in a pot of boiling water to prove you’re dedicated to a cause, there is no hope for you. you’re just plain fucking crazy.
HW
they ask, fly away
lovely hens, so let’s say you meet a little rooster, he’s cool, you like him and possibly willing to allow him to ruffle your feathers. eventually, the topic of your sexual history, or mounting history as i like to call it, will come up. i mean, after all, doing the nasty-mount is pretty much a dirty exchange of all kinds of nastiness (hrrrrmmmm), so it’s a topic that comes with the wrangling scene. in truth, you don’t want to be passing around unwanted guests or catching a permanent case of the sea-monkeys. as i like to say, a safe wrangle is a mount without mangle.
when the topic does come up, and if you are asked how many roosters you have mounted, hens be warned, a rooster should never ask a hen that question. it’s cool and responsible to make sure the undercarriage checks-out and screams healthy, but beyond that, it usually means trouble. a good rooster takes you as is, and not as then. so as soon as they ask, my advice is to fly away quickly.
here’s why. typically, these roosters tend to be controlling, extremely jealous and lack a bundle of feathers with self-esteem. these are the same guys who will shower you with flowers, always call you “beautiful,” and more than likely buy you a teddy bear sporting a gold necklace with a heart-shaped charm, all in a span of two weeks of meeting you. fly, i say, fly.
oh, and by the way, just in case you’re curious, if you ask me how many hens i’ve mounted, i’m always going to say, “five.” i simply don’t know, or care to know, what comes after five.
HW
why hens should always ask, mac or PC?
hens, the first thing you should always ask a guy you’re lusting over is, mac or pc? their answer can save you a ton a grief later. let me explain.
obviously, i’m mac all the way. i don’t even allow a PC in my house. there are exception though. if you’re a hen and i want to ruffle your feathers, i’ll allow it. otherwise, keep your crappy computers at home.
i just don’t understand why folks put up with PCs. it just boggles my mind. certainly, we can go on and on about which is better, and why, but that doesn’t help anyone. putting that aside, here are some facts about mac users and owners, i believe will help you from wasting your time on capons.
mac users:
1. usually college graduates (yes, smarter)
2. have disposable income (he won’t be asking you for a $3 loan to pay for the dinner you just had with him)
3. more accurate and more productive (meaning, he’ll know where to find your g-spot and do you more often)
4. creative and open-minded (will paint you pretty and not tell you god talks to us directly)
5. can appreciate beauty and design (“he don’t do ugly or cheap” )
6. don’t play online games (enough said)
7. are web savvy (will build a website dedicated to you overnight)
8. tend to be super hip (will tell you to leave your penny loafers at home)
9. are happier (won’t be downing the whole bottle of meds in one gulp, or turn out to be a serial killer)
10. well informed (knows to use other positions other than missionary)
there you go. now, if that list doesn’t say “perfect guy,” i don’t know what does. of course, like most things, there are exceptions. i do have some PC-user friends, but most of them are engineers (socially awkward but loaded). so unless the PC-user is an engineer, a real one, not one of them fools with an ITT degree, or two year degree bullshit, don’t waste your time. your best bet is to find yourself a mac guy.
HW
HenWrangler 