Posts Tagged ‘relationships’
recently-single hen
after having badged yourself to either, “in a relationship,” “it’s complicated” or “married” status on your favorite social networking site for sometime, you now find yourself single.
so you just got dumped, or maybe you found breeding with the same rooster over and over again, well, repetitive, boring and unsatisfying; leading to an awesome night of pure decadence and no longer identifying yourself as monogamous once the feathers settled—oops. but the more likely scenario though is that, you finally gave up on justifying your mounting partner’s small shoe size and got rid of that loser, parasite-of-a-rooster. but whatever the case, you’re single. now what? change your status to single, leave it blank or keep it the same? or de-feather yourself out of a broken heart, native american-style? nah. no need for the dramatic just yet, but to help ease the transition, here’s my short every-hen-should-know list.
1. find “me” again (yep. now is the time to focus on yourself and be selfish as hell. no partner needed. dust off that old toy, and toy away.)
2. surround yourself with friends who are successful and independent (say goodbye to the lazy and mooch. they need not apply. fowl-friends should lift you up, not bring you down. )
3. slutty should be your new black (that’s right. every hen needs to go through a slutty-phase at least a couple of times. if you like who’s knocking, let them in. have fun, but always be safe.)
4. stay single for a good while (the biggest mistake hens make is getting back into a relationship too quickly, having only to repeat the cycle over and over again. strengthen the self first.)
5. be a social hen (get out there and meet new roosters and hens. networking is a great way to put more feathers in your cap. and of course, to lose a few as well, but this is good too.)
6. travel (seeing new things and places only opens you up to new ideas. just think, as an added bonus, if all goes well, say, with andrés, the spaniard, your hen legs will also be open to such ideas.)
7. and finally, find a hobby ( see “all hens need a hobby.”)
sure codependency is a bitch to break, and the coop might seem like a very lonely place at first, but life goes on, and soon enough, you’ll find the single life rewarding and liberating. always ask for more of yourself than less. doing so will allow you to not settle for a partially filled bag of seed; only settle for the full bag, and nothing less—and that mother-plucker better have your name on it.
HW
they ask, fly away
lovely hens, so let’s say you meet a little rooster, he’s cool, you like him and possibly willing to allow him to ruffle your feathers. eventually, the topic of your sexual history, or mounting history as i like to call it, will come up. i mean, after all, doing the nasty-mount is pretty much a dirty exchange of all kinds of nastiness (hrrrrmmmm), so it’s a topic that comes with the wrangling scene. in truth, you don’t want to be passing around unwanted guests or catching a permanent case of the sea-monkeys. as i like to say, a safe wrangle is a mount without mangle.
when the topic does come up, and if you are asked how many roosters you have mounted, hens be warned, a rooster should never ask a hen that question. it’s cool and responsible to make sure the undercarriage checks-out and screams healthy, but beyond that, it usually means trouble. a good rooster takes you as is, and not as then. so as soon as they ask, my advice is to fly away quickly.
here’s why. typically, these roosters tend to be controlling, extremely jealous and lack a bundle of feathers with self-esteem. these are the same guys who will shower you with flowers, always call you “beautiful,” and more than likely buy you a teddy bear sporting a gold necklace with a heart-shaped charm, all in a span of two weeks of meeting you. fly, i say, fly.
oh, and by the way, just in case you’re curious, if you ask me how many hens i’ve mounted, i’m always going to say, “five.” i simply don’t know, or care to know, what comes after five.
HW
HenWrangler 